By Mary Moss
Regardless of their age, children thrive in an environment where rules are clearly established, consistently enforced and consequences for disobedience are swift and in relation to the offense. So what are the most common mistakes we make? What are the pitfalls for even intelligent, bright and well-intentioned parents in rearing their children? How do you know you've stumbled into one?
If
you ever stopped in the middle of a conversation with your child
about why he should do something you just told him to do and wondered
when you began having to answer to him, instead of the other way
around, ouch! If you have realized lately you're spending an inordinate
amount of time picking up toys, clothes, and well . . . everything
and your children are spending more and more time watching television,
playing computer or video games, and generally making a mess, oops!
If your daughter has recently thrown a temper tantrum on the floor
of the toy aisle because you told her she couldn't have a toy she
wanted: read on.
Parenting Pitfall # 1: Buy children absolutely everything they want - immediately
One of the most common pitfalls, which generally is the beginning
of the descent into the deep ineffective-parenting pit we dig for
ourselves is this: as soon as a movie is released take your children
to the theater, buy them soda, candy and popcorn and then stop by
the local fast food restaurant to pick up the movie-related toy
in the children's meal on the way home. The same weekend, go to
the store and buy them every single character, toy, game, clothing
item and bedding accessory related to the movie that is available.
As soon as it's available order a DVD of the movie so they can watch
it whenever they want to.
Parenting Pitfall #2: Negotiate everything with your children
Every time you want your children to do even the smallest thing,
tell them, "If you'll do X, I'll let you do Y." Don't
teach children that regardless of the reason, you are the adult
and they are children and children do what parents tell them . .
. period. Since you (and they) have not mastered an understanding
of that relationship, you can begin explaining the reasoning behind
every instruction you give them from now until the day you die or
they are arrested because no one told them why it was wrong to break
the law.
Parenting Pitfall #3: Wait on your family hand and foot
Don't expect children to hang up their coats, put their clothes
in the hamper, put their shoes in the closet, help set the dinner
table, clear their plate from the dinner table, and certainly never
teach them to pick up their toys and put them away when they are
done playing with them. In fact if you start this early enough,
they'll never even need to figure out which one is their sock drawer,
and you won't need to bother showing them the correct receptacle
for toys and games.
Parenting Pitfall #4: Never teach
children how to respect their possessions or to care for their toys
Don't give children chores like feeding the dog, dusting furniture
or emptying the trash in order to earn privileges or toys or anything
else they desire. When things break, replace them immediately with
no consequence to the child. When an upgraded, latest, greatest
model of something hits the market, get it immediately so they don't
feel as if they're the only one who doesn't have the best, the most
expensive and/or coolest release of whatever it is.
Parenting Pitfall #5: Don't teach children good manners
Never require your children to say "please" or "thank
you" or "excuse me" Don't expect them to use good
table manners or to use a napkin to wipe their mouths. Allow them
to interrupt you any time they want your attention, especially when
you're attempting to have a conversation with your spouse, your
neighbor or anyone other than them. To keep children from interrupting
you constantly at the dinner table allow them to watch cartoons
or play a Game boy while they eat so they're entertained and quiet.
 Parenting Pitfall #6: Never discipline children in public
Give your children whatever they demand so they won't throw a temper
tantrum in a grocery store, toy store, or any other public place.
Better yet, never discipline them at all. Allow them to do whatever
they want, whenever they want to, regardless of how inconvenient
it is for you, dangerous it is for them, or just generally socially
unacceptable their behavior becomes. Comply with whatever they demand
as long as they are quiet and don't make a scene.
Parenting
Pitfall #7: Make threats to your children for bad behavior and don't
follow through
Continually repeat the threat that you won't buy a toy your child
has picked out unless they keep their hands off the merchandise
in the store. When you're finally standing in line to check out
and your child pulls down an entire display of candy and gum because
she was climbing on it, be sure to have her toy scanned first and
then put it in her hand, so she'll be quiet and not do any more
damage.
Parenting Pitfall #8: Never insist your child taste new
foods
Don't even think of introducing new foods into their diets. Only
feed them fast food, because if it can't be purchased at a drive-through
it looks funny and so is certain to taste "yucky." Let
your child think chicken only comes in nugget form, potatoes don't
have skins and come in perfectly shaped spirals or strips which
are deep fried and sodas are the only beverage consumed with meals.
Parenting Pitfall #9: Don't enforce a reasonable bedtime
routine for your child
Under no circumstances are you to expect children to go to sleep
in their own beds. If they do stay in their own bed it is only after
you have read to them for 45 minutes, fetched 3 cups of water, checked
for monsters under the bed and in the close--twice - and you have
finally passed out at the end of their bed because it's now an hour
after you should have been asleep.
Parenting Pitfall #10: Allow children unlimited access to
television, computer and video games.
Allow your children to watch anything they want to on television
or play any video game they demand regardless of the content or
age-appropriateness any time they want to. Use the television or
video games as a babysitter, in fact, because your child is so spoiled,
ill-mannered and out of control that you can't even have a phone
conversation, do a load of laundry, or sit at the computer to check
email unless they're planted in front of a screen of some kind with
their minds numbed and their attention focused on the brightly flashing
signals emanating from a screen.
Parenting is not for wimps. Parenting well is not for the faint-hearted.
It is challenging to find a balance between having a good relationship
with our children that is mutually respectful and appropriate and
being their doormat and becoming slaves to their every whim. Children
need structure, boundaries, rules and consistency. Children don't
need things. They don't need to be pampered and catered to, either.
When parents provide a healthy portion of love, set limits and enforce
reasonable, consistent rules children will thrive. It's not easy
- but it's certainly worth it!
Article written by Mary Moss.
All opinions expressed are that of the writer.
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